It is funny how as you grew older, the avenues for seeking advice grow lesser and lesser. Sometimes, people might not even mean good advice when they tell you their opinion. It could be a means of leading you down the wrong path. But still, it's funny how as you grow older, you learn to seek out people wiser than you, stronger than you, and smarter than you to listen to, instead of your parents.
So anyway, today I was talking to mystery man. And mystery man being the man he is, he's the type of person who likes to finish things one at a time, without worrying about the future setbacks or rewards. In a sense, I would say this makes him a very bad businessman although he has quiet strengths that I might not have even know about. However, mystery man is the type of person who really takes a step at a time, be it grades or exams or career...or whatever. Our temperaments are worlds apart: at any one time, I will be involved in ten million projects, sticking my finger into different pies, but for him, concentrating on baking ONE pie and perfecting it is good enough. The other single difference about mm and I is that, while we both come from relatively middle class backgrounds, his background lies solidly amongst the upper middle strata, and he has an enviable loving family life. For me, my family ties are weak and I have gone through some upsetting periods in my life to make me hate setbacks, hate obstacles, and hate failures. I guess in a way, mystery man is right. I haven't learn how to deal with struggle and strife in my life except to hate them: I haven't learn to conquer them positively.
So anyway the reason why I'm talking about this is, while I was trying to get to sleep I really realized how much of a lost sheep I am. I've always been quite the conformist despite the seemingly subversive ways. And I do not want to graduate because, honestly, working in this recession - not a good prospect. Plus an honours degree is not even something you can relive, like a M(A). I want to study one more year: but for all the wrong reasons. Not because I like studying, not because I like the core subjects, but because I am reluctant to look for jobs in this negative climate.It's not only that but I really DO NOT want to take up a job as a teacher or a civil servant. While alot of people may do it for the money, as an only child of two young parents ( they're only in their mid 40s ) who are still fairly self-sufficient, I feel that the choices I make should be given some sort of privilege. Without a family burden, I don't wish to enter a profession I have no liking for. While some might call it idealistic, I think that frankly in life, it's all about what kind of choices you were given. And for me, right now, the situation is that I CAN make the choice between paying the bills or doing something I like.
I was going to end this post on a sombre note because mystery man has asked me to seriously consider if I felt I was really cut out for the last year of honours. I felt the same way because while I know I am capable to handle the higher level modules, and I know I am resourceful enough to finish the last lap, I was wondering if this is something I really, really, really wanted. After all, studying and I has never gone hand in hand.
But then it just struck me that the whole entire reason of slaving my ass off is so that I won't have to become a teacher or a civil servant. the whole painful process of the major politicking in the classroom, is just to NOT enter the dreaded professions. So, I will stick on with it. I'll finish this last lap with the last ounce of energy I can muster, even if I graduate with questionable honours.
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